Finally got the really expensive drugs... $55!!!! But it works. I guess. If it's meant to supress all emotion both good and bad then it works. The only time it does not is when I am with Stevie. I guess because he is an antidepressant in himself and they kind of negate each other, on top of the fact that I'm genuinely happy when I'm with him. That's when I can smile and laugh for real and be at ease and be silly and love and hope.

Oh my. Just got scared because my shadow was moving in the corner of my eye. lol

Anyways, I really feel like I've been kind of floating through life. I can't remember most of it, especially when it comes to school except for the fact that I'm doing exceptionally well. I have gotten A's on all of my mid terms. Impressive, I know. It is to me too.

And then I've been pushing myself to actually go out and search for a job. Well, actually only once, but it's a pretty major job and I've already gone and applied, I just need to get my references sent it.

My monkey, Stevie, has a job. He almost had two, but that's a topic for another post. I'm glad because he's finally happy. And if he's happy, there's just that little bit of relief. I didn't realize how much I actually stress over his happiness too. I feel like if he's happy then the world is good. Yup, I'm sprung. I love him. He's amazing.

Plus, I feel more hopeful when things are going well for him. I always pretend like I'm upset when my best friend says Stevie and I are one person, but then things keep happening to prove her right. Even our emotions work as one unit. Interesting. I imagine I would use this argument to anyone who may say we don't belong together and I made a mistake for being so intimate and close to him. They could very well suck it. lol

Mmmm and I've been reading. Like a movie in my head whenever I want. Good deal.

Life's..... goood. For now. :))

Lately, I have been thinking a lot about everything I do. Mostly hindsight. (If I think too much before hand I usually won't do or say anything at all.) I've come to the conclusion that if everything in life wasn't such a high stress situation for me, I'd probably be normal. Or as close to it as I can get. I mean, I don't really know what makes things such high stress, so I can't really fix that part, but I'm working on how I react to the high stress. Because if I didn't, I would not have the guts to do much of anything. I have to force myself to live life. I can bet the reason I don't have a job is because I can't get over being nervous enough to be charismatic. I mean, I might not even be charismatic when I'm not nervous, but I'm quite sure it would help! This nervousness has even kept me from exhausting my options in job searching. I'm just too afraid of rejection to go look. There I said it. There even has to be certain conditions for me to even ask for an application. The place of business must be relatively empty, or else I have to be purchasing something. There cannot be a high concentration of black folks, mainly the loud and judgmental ones. I can't feel like I'm too underdressed. Or overdressed. I am more likely to ask if I am with friends or Stevie. See? I'm a mess.

Then I thought about how much ridiculousness I worry about. I nearly had an anxiety attack driving home from Stevie's last night because of the rain. (By the way, heavy rain is high stress for me and I can NEVER sleep when it rains... ever.) First of all, this pick up truck sped past me before I got a mile away and showered my car with rain so that I couldn't see anything. I had to slam on my breaks. Then I got to imagining that a big, big truck could have been directly behind me and wouldn't have been able to stop and would have smushed me and my car. Needless to say I spent more time watching my rearview mirror than on the road.

I'm so ridiculous. These are only two examples out of the many, many, MANY things I get stressed over.

I thought about what could've happened to me before my memory that caused me to be this way, and then I think, it doesn't matter... I can't change it now anyways.

Exercising has been doing wonders for me! I can't see any physical change but I am surely noticing the psychological changes. For as many high stress situations I put myself in, I have not had any major anxiety attacks, and I don't feel very depressed. It's weird though because I don't know how to feel quite yet when I'm not depressed. I think the physical changes will come soon enough though.

I so hate school. I don't know why either. Once I get to the center and start in with the kids, I'm happy. Happier than I ever usually am, except when I'm with Stevie. So I imagine it's the classes that piss me off. I hate them. I hate how much work is expected, I hate how long it takes, I hate how my salary when I get out of school will not even begin to cover the cost of my student loans.

Really and truly, I wish Stevie would get rich so I could drop out of school, marry him, and have lots of babies. No, I am not kidding.

Speaking of Stevie, I hung out with his family last night. It was nice. Shay did my nails, Priscy gave me some shoes, Bruce picked on me, and Aj didn't say anthing to me at all as usual. And it was nice. I'm glad I get to marry Stevie because then I get another whole family added onto the two I already have. And they're good people.

Anyways. I'm thirsty and I have a bottle of ice water calling my name.

I should be doing homework, but I'm not. Anyways, all I have left to do is reading. I think I will take my shower first anyways. That way if I fall asleep, I'll already be ready for bed. No extra work needed.

I've been putting it off but I think I really need to see a counselor soon. Maybe other people aren't as in tune with their body as I am but I can feel the stress in my body just waiting to get out. It's like I'm ALMOST overwhelmed but not quite. I don't like that because if I slow down or stop everything that I've been throwing myself in, I will just break down and stop functioning. And I clearly have too much for that. I simply don't have the time! I keep saying I will call but I'm still so angry that they let me get attached to a counselor who left me! She knew and everybody else knew she didn't have a permanent position there. None of them ever said one word about it... until our last session. Bunch of fuckers.

I went to Greenville today with J. Pend to see our friend Jazzy and her baby. He's so adorable. And I think she needed to be around people that she doesn't live with! I wish I was in Greenville to help more because she looked so tired. I imagine that's what motherhood does to you. Moreso with a wack ass baby daddy.

I'm so tired of people. I'm tired of myself too. I get so offended by the smallest things people say. And then I hate them for saying what they said. Like I've been hearing sooo many comments about people's oppinions (I can't spell that word for anything right now.) on depression and I wish they all would just shut because half of them don't know half of anything about it! Most of them are probably depressed themselves but because having it is looked down on so much, they wouldn't take the time to get help. Sucks. I hear stuff like I must not have any faith because I'm depressed and that they don't believe in depression, all it is is feeling sorry for yourself. Or that people who have are just looking for attention. And these are the people who claim they care about me, and know for a fact that I am depressed. What the FUCK? Meanwhile, if you are reading my blog now and any of those oppinions, opinions, however the fuck you spell the word, apply to you, burn slowly in hell. Foreal. I hate you. With a deep, burning passion.

Before I get all worked up...

How about I had an "upper respiratory infection" this weekend? Saturday night I had a fever of 99.8. It scared me watching the temperature on the thermometer steadily go up like that! I was achey, sniffleling, coughing, and just sooo tired. I'm pretty sure one of those kids at the center did it. lol I know it! But I'm well and on antibiotics the size large rocks. Ugh. Good thing I only got sick over the weekend. I don't have time to be debilitated like that. Same as I don't need to shut down right now. Omg, what is the problem with my body? I just need a new one I guess...

Foreal, if you're a praying person, throw my name in the mix. Clearly the only praying I do is grace anymore. I even get a little uncomfortable with people asking me to pray for them. I'm thinking, clearly I'm not the person that you need to be asking about that. My prayers don't get further than the clouds. Or else this mess would be over by now. Man, I don't even get the sermons in church anymore! I'm like what the hell is this shit? So I don't have any hope? I'm just doomed to hell? Oh, okay.

Foreal, I'm Kelli Tucker in Columbia, SC. If you need specifics for God....